Memory lane...

Sometimes you set off to do a certain something and something entirely different comes about. Yesterday, in an effort to put a check mark on the do something active list, Ryan and I decided to go walk on a nature trail. For whatever reason, I remembered Triple Creek; a small park with a fishing lake and exercise/nature trail.

As we made our way towards Triple Creek, which is really only about 10-15 minutes from my house, I realized that we were heading into my mom's old neighborhood. Many interesting memories began to flood in as we got closer and closer.

DSC_0102

Upon arriving I realized that I had not been there in nearly 5 years. I used to go there all the time growing up. I can honestly say I've been there more than a hundred times. Over the years I had been there with my mom and dad together while they were still married as well as on my own as an adult. In between that time I had also been there with both of them separately, but mostly with my mom. She would drag my sister and I there to go fishing. Her definition of fishing was a little different though...it mostly involved drinking 40oz beers with random ill-intentioned men and getting high. Often I was told to go play or walk the trail for awhile.

DSC_0096

I've walked that little nature trail by myself so many times I could map it out dead nuts without even seeing it. I remember one time when I was very young, I caught a baby duck who was struggling for life all by itself and I rescued it. I didn't know what to do, so my mom sent me over across the street where the park ranger lived. As I knocked on the door a very flamboyant man in only his underwear answered. He went and got his boyfriend, the ranger, who then helped me with the baby duckling. I came back and asked my mom about the two guys and she said, "Oh yeah...they're fags."

carved tree

As we walked around, I couldn't help but to begin thinking about where we were. We were less than 1 mile from where life took a major turn for the worse with my family. The drug called crack cocaine swept through like a tornado and destroyed everything in it's path. My mom, step-dad, and sister were all seized and there was nothing that I could do about it.

DSC_0097

Ryan and I talked about my sister being molested by a man who lived up the street. He claimed that he wanted to take her to church with his kids. He served a couple years in prison...not nearly enough.

DSC_0077

Stuff that's escaped you for so long comes back and your hit with emotions that have laid dormant for some time. It's different now though. God has redeemed so much of the sadness and spoken truth to so many lies that I believed over the years. It's our natural inclination to think it's our fault or that we could have done something and stopped the chaos from happening. It's a lie that satan wants us to believe.

DSC_0085

On the way home we stopped by my mom's old street to take a look at the little unassuming house that became such a place of despair and addiction. They were so proud of buying that house...and they forfeited it to a life of chasing false reality. Such a shame really.

I'm so glad to remember things like this though. God has given me this special ability to relate to people on many levels. Our experiences shape who we are in some senses...but ultimately it is up to the King of everything to define who we really are. If you're in a place where you're still believing lies about who you really are it's time to step into agreement with who Christ says we are. If you're in a place where you don't like yourself...a place where you don't love yourself, you will never truly be able to love God or anyone else.

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?"

He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as YOURSELF.' "

"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."

Luke 10:25-28

14 waggish utterances thus far...:

Starwoodgal said...

Powerful story....

Thanks for sharing.

Chris said...

When I emailed you yesterday I left many things out of my note. I can relate to this post on so many levels. My mom's husband is had sex with me beginning when I was 8, ending when I was 12 (so I can relate to what happened to your sister). My brother whom I said I lost died of an accidental drug overdose. He had dabbled in different things over the years-beginning with alcohol and cigarettes when he was about 11. At the time of his death he was into crushing over the counter meds: tylenol sleep, benedryl, etc. Well, he was in the hospital for an infection. They had an IV in him. They were giving him Tylenol w/codeine and another drug. He crushed his private stuff, mixed it with water and apparently thought of trying to stick it in his iv somehow. They found him dead with the substance, and the needle. Also, as far as childhood places. I have never been back to most of the places we lived with my mother. I am always afraid I will crack, but I can tell you I am seriously drawn to go back and see them. So, there are MANY things I can relate to in your story and I really appreciate you posting them. It means a lot.
Thank you

Laurie said...

"If you're in a place where you don't like yourself...a place where you don't love yourself, you will never truly be able to love God or anyone else."

There you go... blowing my eyes wide open again.

(insert deep sigh here)

Chris said...

PS: The pictures are really great. The first one that is stretched is cool! :)

Debbie said...

Laurie, your comment is exactly what I was thinking. Having "my eyes blown wide open" is why I stop by here too.

moncheoPR said...

I like the pics and how they show that behind all the nasty stuff directly related to that spot and area, there is still hope and life waiting for you... you just have to see it (or photograph it): the ducks, nature, your hubby, etc.

Thanks for sharing all of this.

Helen Ann said...

Ryan -

You're such a good servant to God...I'm glad your my friend!

Ryan Detzel said...

Chris...I'm so sorry for all the terrible crap that you went through.

It's been said that if you're going through hell...keep going. I think you kept going and are still going.

You've got an important story to tell. I would definitely think about starting your own blog...it could be a private one where you just journal and then share when you're ready.


MoncheoPR - I am crying laughing because I'm pretty sure you just said Ryan is my husband. He is actually Carrie's husband. Ryan and Carrie live with my wife Allison and I.

Haha.

Erin said...

I'm so glad I read your blog. Thought provoking, hopeful, real, relatable, and inspiring.

Jessica said...

That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

DanThoms said...

Wait, are you and Ryan the Park Rangers in this story? Hmmmmmm

Anonymous said...

Wow, you're Beatrice's ideal husband: "made of some other metal than earth." Been reading your previous posts under your 'Reflection'label... hhhhow you've become a witty, admirable, well-balanced adult (and created such a gorgeous baby) is beyond understanding! Your DNA must have strains of that carbon steel alloy...

moncheoPR said...

Ok. Y'all are confusing me. But you got my point, right?

LOL!!!! Laughing here as well.

How many of you post on this blog?

Mainly a midwife said...

I like your blog. I wish I could visit your coffee house. It sounds great. Your outlook seems similar to some emergent stuff I've read. I've been a believer for a long time. The emergent stuff is new to me. I'm still reading.