WARNING: Gross Story Alert...

I will give you one warning and one warning only.

Do not continue with the reading of this blog entry if you are a wuss of any sort.

Signs of wussiness include, but are not limited to:

* Use of the word "tender" without the presence of a steak.

* Inability to make fire happen.

* Uncanny resemblance to Lance Bass from N'Sync.

* You've had a manicure or pedicure and you're a dude.

* The Gilmore Girls is your favorite TV show.

* You take offense when someone says the word "barfed".

* The Mazda Miata is your idea of a sports car.

* You cry over spilled milk.

* Okay. Now that we've established some boundaries it's time for a story.*

It's hard not to be humble when you're so bad at being human. Whenever I receive a compliment on something I typically say, "Yeah, I'm awesome." which is almost always followed by the compliment-giver taking back their compliment and replacing it with something snide.

The reason I say, "Yeah, I'm awesome." is because I am a sarcastic little man. If anyone knew just how un-awesome I really was, they wouldn't even sit in the same room as me, let alone talk to me and give me a compliment. Only I live with me all the time. I get to see me do all kinds of ridiculous things. Things that are the opposite of awesome. Therefore it's a joke to me when I receive a compliment and I can't help be sarcastic about it. I'm working on that though...I've been receiving more good stuff and passing it on to the One who is at work in me.

So anyway...here's a little picture of me being not good at life. Or, really good at life. I guess it just depends on how messed up you are.

'Twas a long, long time ago...well, actually it wasn't long ago at all. It was a few months back. I was supposed to meet some friends somewhere to help them work on something. My friends were running late and of course I was early. (I'm always early.) I was sitting outside waiting for them and there really wasn't anything around except a small store and a wooded area.

Out of nowhere I find myself in the dead center of a poop attack.

poop attack 1 |poōp at*tack |əˈtak|
noun (also poop onslaught) the utmost and highest form of a sudden need to drop one off, esp. in a situation where your underpants are in danger.

verb [ trans. ] (usu. be poop attacked) (of a wave) overcoming feeling of stomach upsetness (an unwelcome surprise), sometimes causing severe nervousness : Suddenly and without warning, I was badly poop attacked.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with a poop attack. I pray that you aren't. Myself? I am familiar.

First comes the sound of a toilet flushing from inside my stomach. I don't know how my stomach creates such a noise, but to say it's unpleasant is an understatement.

Next, sweat beads begin to form on my forehead and panic sets in.

After that, I begin looking around frantically for a restroom. Surely there must be a bathroom savior somewhere within my reach. Ah yes...the convenient store.

I run in and immediately try to act as if I'm not freaking out.

"Hello, I was wondering if you have a bathroom I might be able to use."

"Oh, I'm sorry. We don't allow customers to use our bathroom."

"Oh okay, not a problem...thanks."
My life is over as I know it.

Wait!! Plan B...I can go in the woods! I can buy some toilet paper and go in the woods!!

I know I don't want to do this, but there are no other options!! I don't have any money on me. I don't have my wallet. I don't have any change in my car...WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???

I drop my face into my hands and I begin pondering all my life and what could have been. I look down at my feet. A thought comes to me. An epiphany if you will.


I have socks on.

I can use my socks.

After wandering around the building of the inconvenient store around seven or eight times it occurs to me that I won't make it another minute. I'm out of time. There is no other option. I have to do this. It's not going to be pretty and I'm not proud of myself, but I must do this.

I head into the woods.

I return from the woods sockless.

The earth is back on it's axis.

This is my life.

5 waggish utterances thus far...:

Steve said...

This is of the most awesomest stories ever.

Ryan Allen Doan said...

the population of waves coffee thinks I have something seriously wrong with me. I am laughing all too histaricly because this story is a little too familiar.

Light Bright said...

Wow...what a creative use of sockage!!

Denny says it's all the hot sauce you eat. :)

I say, join the club...Been there...didn't make it to "the woods" and felt like a preschooler!


Covenant Vision said...

wow, it's a while since I had to resort to such drastic measures. Last time I heard of any such action was in junior school, so - hats off to you!

Dan said...

That story is sick, sick, sick. Ek, its still nasty. By the way I like Mazda Miatas