Open letter to the Wedding DB...

Dear Wedding DB,

Please allow me to introduce myself. I was the guy hiding in an obscure location with my wife and offspring as I didn't know anyone at the wedding on Saturday. You may have seen me walking around with an aloof look on my face searching for a restroom. Other common treks of mine included multiple trips to the chocolate fountain where I dipped marshmallows and cookies into a molten river of flowing calories. I was wearing black, pin-striped pants with a white shirt and a black vest. I had a beautiful blonde woman with me who was so dang sexy that it looked like a Julia Roberts / Lyle Lovett attempt. We own a small girl who could have been seen chasing balloons and dancing wildly...also, she could easily be found stealing M&M favors off of people's tables.

So that's us. Maybe you noticed us and maybe you didn't. I'm going to go ahead and assume you didn't notice us since you were so enthralled by your work. You're work my that was amazing. Never have I seen someone with so much skill and passion for what they do. Douchebaggery is clearly a calling and I would continue to pursue what fuels your flame. I want to encourage you to try branching out from your normal routine. Like how about when:

* You totally disregaurded the fact that a wedding reception was going on and belly-laughed obnoxiously during toasts and speeches...maybe in the future you could even throw in a loud racial slur for some extra pizazz.

Or how about when:

* You and your other two chain-wallet pals (of whom you were clearing the ring-leader) stood in a circle of constant chuckling, re-living the glory-days of your 84' Nova and ogled every woman who walked by with absolutely no shame or reserve...maybe in the future you could actually be the would force the women to interact with you which I hear is even better than just looking at them.

Or how about when:

You thought it somehow appropriate or funny to walk around stomping on balloons during the Mother/Son dance. You are the wind beneath my wings never sounded so good as when having random balloons popping loudly, scaring babies and old people into tears. Good work. Who knew that cowboy boots would be such an awesome tool of the trade when it comes to high-stepping some little latex air globes. It was an especially nice touch the way your curly-cue mullet bounced around as you trotted back and fourth with that "no one here matters but me" look on your face. Maybe in the future you could step on my child rather than a balloon in front of her...I bet the other chain-wallets would find it hilarious.

Keep up the good work were made for what you do. Perhaps we will meet again at some other strange wedding. You helped me stay an additional two hours at this particular wedding on stare-factor alone...thanks.

Sincerely yours,
Someone of little consequence

And now to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to me. Dangit. This guy was so annoying to me and he obviously has some social downfalls, but dagnabbit if God doesn't love him just as much as He loves me. Dagnabbit if Jesus didn't die for him just as He died for me.

Lord, I pray that you would be the everything in his life...if you already aren't.

4 waggish utterances thus far...:

Anonymous said...
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Helen Ann said...

LOL! I was already thinking "But Ryan, LOVE WINS! LOVE WINS!" Only because God has to remind me of the very same thing when I am completely disgusted by people in life...This dude definitely sounds like an ultra EGR...How dare he step on a balloon in front of Ava Beans!

melanie said...
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Guitarist.J said...

I can totally go with stealing m&ms of the tables When Jack was like 2 he took a french fry off someones grave at the cemetary in delhi.